Drowning
by Musouka1991
Summary: One-shot of Nesta and Cassian post ACOWAR.


An icy wind blew as his boots touched down on the patio, making no sound at all. His brothers weren't the only stealthy ones, even if he made sure people constantly underestimated him. He shook his wings slightly before tucking them behind him, his hazel eyes looking to the door before him.

He never went in, never even attempted. Not since they'd been back...

 _Why do you bother, Cassian?_

Feyre had once asked. Back when he thought it was bad. Back when he was so heavy with guilt and longing that he dragged himself here just be near Nesta's fire, to assure himself she wasn't lost. She was safe and sound and protected. Her hateful words, verbal abuse, he had withered. Even began to see past it. And always he was looking. Looking for the power that she has refused to acknowledge, terrified it'd tear her apart and determined that he would be there to balance it. To protect her.

And now things were so very different.

There were no smart remarks, no verbal venom and defiance. Now there was nothing but a void. And it was much more terrifying then that power hiding under her skin. Not that he had ever been afraid of her. Only for her.

The same tug pulled at him, begged him to storm into her room. Cradle her in his arms and bury his nose in the crook of her neck. Comfort her. Help her. Heal her. Save her.

 _Mate mate mate_

The same tug that been pulling since she had been forced into that damn cauldron. Forced in there while he did nothing to stop it.

 _Because I can't stay away._

Drowning, alway drowning.

The darkness was thick tonight, the water, or lava or nothingness so thick it claimed her breath. Here in the cauldron, every gasp for breath was an eternity. She fought and she scrambled, tried to push past the fear to think.

But she was so tired of fighting. So tired of even taking. Tonight she wondered, what if she just sunk instead?

Her breath returned and no longer was she drowning, no she was killing.

By the hundreds. By the thousands.

Body's fell, life leaving them before they could give a single thought all gone all dead. And there was one, one with beautiful wings, Illyrian leather and gleaming siphon's of power about him. Even here in the carnage, especially here even, he was breathtaking.

Power flew through her and she knew she would get him too like all the others...

"Cassian!"

She bolted up in bed breathing hard with wide eyes. No no no he was fine, she had saved him. The thoughts and images came flooding back. Cassian flying above while his men were killed in seconds. Cassian telling her to run with his beautiful broken wings. The way her and Elain nearly dragged him from the battlefield.

His face searching for words, him reaching out... her turning and never looking back, walls that she could hardly understand none the less take down, forming solidly. Her dads broken neck. A King's severed head. Cassian laughing, healed and well. Blood and flesh rotting away. The way the cauldron looked from the inside.

She leaned over the bed, vomit pushing out of her with more force then she could handle.

A gust of wind blew and her door opened, the one by the balcony. The one she felt him at so often.

How many times had he come? How may time had she felt him? But though she wanted to, even if she wondered what it'd be like... the void of death held her back. Bound her into a body that hardly cared to do anything at all.

But now he was here. Just beyond the door, wide eyes gleaming in the night, she couldn't even care enough to be embarrassed. Only gazed at him and turned back in to the bed.

Pain coursed through him.

 _Mate mate mate_

But louder then that, stronger then that was the caving in of his chest. The pain at those empty eyes. Even wasted away like this, Nesta was still devastating beautiful, still made his heart yearn for her.

He breathed in again, blinking slowly. With more grace then he felt he currently had, he moved to the washroom and retrieved a towel. Within in a few minutes he cleaned her vomit off the floor, the movements keeping him from the panic that would overwhelm him to leave her like this.

But she didn't want him here, she had made that much clear, right?

Flashes of a bloody battle came to him. He had told Nesta to run. Knew it would only buy her some time but then again this plan they had was a suicide mission. But if only he could get her safe, he wouldn't have failed. His wings were bloody a battered, and he didn't have even the strength to stand, and he was failing her again. But she wept over him. She covered him with her body. The only willing, embrace they'd ever shared and it only took the end of the world to do it. His kiss to her had been soft and short, more of a determination to leave her with something, let her know what they'd been fighting, what it really was- who he really was.

He looked to the ground, pushing away the longing to curl up beside her. She had made it clear by her dismissal of him after that he wasn't something she wanted right now, and it would be best if he left. She needed to heal, but he knew how stubborn she could be. She'd let herself drown before she asked for someone else to save her, especially him.

"Nesta..." he whispered, his voice more broken then he remembered it sounding before. Swallowing thickly he tied again. "Nesta, what did you see?"

He had never entered her room, had hardly tried to catch her gaze since the fall of Hybren. But when she had said his name, with some much pain- he couldn't help himself.

Silence grew between them and he was sure that she wouldn't answer him.

"I saw you." her voice was so flat, so deadpan. "I saw you when I...when the cauldron was going to kill you."

His hands clenched the bed. When he had heard her horrified screams, when she had shoved the feeling of pain and despair through their bond. Before then he hadn't even truly known if she was aware of what they were.

And even though he was in the thick of battle, even though he was leading a charge, he had flown to her. Couldn't fight it. And then he watched as a thousand of them died in a second.

He should have been with them, should have died. Maybe it would be better then the feeling he was dealing with now, this in-between with her. Death was always harder on the living.

Daring, he rose slightly, put a knee on her bed, and waited. She made no movement no effort to stop him. Though she hardly made an effort to do anything these days. He could tell the weight she had lost, the dark circles under her eyes. With no protest, he dared more, until he was siting entirely on her bed, his back against the wall, hands twitching with the need to touch her.

"You saved my life." he commented, since it hadn't been said. She hadn't once spoke to anyone about the war. As strong as she was, he knew she hated the carnage. She was not made of it like he was.

The was a sharp breath that could have been a snort. "Did I?"

He frowned, wondering if she knew about the guilt he felt. Through their bond that neither of them accepted or acknowledged, he could sometimes feel her, but he was certain that his shields were in place, he had perfected them very young to keep Rhys from gaining the upper hand all the damn time.

"Yes, Nesta you did."

Silence once more.

"You've never came in."

"No."

"But you're always here." she turned then, moving her body to a sitting position in stiff movements.

He nodded, his ability to speak being stolen by how close she was, her scent filing him. Silently he passed her water that was on her table and she starred him down before taking it. He breathed in sharply as she reached over him to grab an extra washcloth. Silently she washed her mouth before returning back to the same position.

"I am drowning." A knife through his heart.

 _What did she do, drowning in ageless darkness?_

He shuttered.

Nesta watched him closely, like watching him through a fog. He hadn't been this close to her in so long, since their embrace on the battlefield. Since Elain and her had somehow managed to get him to the healers hut.

She had stayed there, with wide eyes watching as they rushed to him, around his wings, as he groaned in pain. He wasn't all himself, but he would mumble her name on occasion, but she couldn't bare to come closer, her worry and fear and the walls rebuilding themselves coming too fast. A numbness was overtaking her. Her father's face was still so fresh in her mind. The way his neck snapped.

And then there was the cauldron. She could feel it battling.

She heard and felt Armen become unbound, heard the screams and the cheers. Heard it all and wondered what her would be friend truly was, like she had asked her so long ago, maybe if she knew she'd know more about what she was.

Despite the madness, she could do nothing but watch as Cassian was worked on. Had to know he was going to be okay before she could bare to turn away. Cause if he wasn't...if he died on her now...

Her hands fisted and the same power that had bought them such little time with the king was pulsing under her skin. Maybe she'd come unbound too. Maybe she would jump back into that dark void of nothingness and let the cauldron take back whatever it was she had managed to steal.

She felt it as it cracked, the pain bringing her to her knees, like a part of her was tearing. Whatever it was she stole, demanding to be taken back. A healer approached her but she swatted them away. "Save him." she had gasped.

And when he was passed out in pain, when they said he'd have rough few days but he'd pull through. She turned and never went back to his side. Cold harsh Nesta, couldn't even be bothered to wait on him, to offer him comfort after everything he'd done for her. After he'd been so ready to die for her.

But she had known there would be no comfort that she could give. The storm inside her, would do nothing but cause him worry. She knew how he worried for her, even if he tried to hide it. Knew what this bond was between them, had heard Feyre talk enough about her own for her to catch on. That she'd been forced upon him, that he had only been hurt cause he had the poor luck of being bounded to her.

There had been many things that happened after that, all the she could hardly remember. Always in a fog, always seeing but not really seeing at all. Her fathers grave and Elain's cries. They way she had smiled the next day. And Nesta wanted to be happy for it, but there was nothing but the void. Nothing but the death power still swimming in her veins, angry that it would never be whole with the cauldron again. IT hated Feyre and Rhys the most, for breaking it and putting it together with out IT. Well maybe not more then her, which was hard to determine because she hated herself enough without some strange power within her hating her too.

Maybe it wasn't to late to return it. Maybe she could go find that cauldron and jump back inside. What was the difference between drowning there and drowning here? A touch on her cheek brought her back and she was starring into Cassian's pained face.

Well, she supposed, there was some difference.

"You're not drowning sweetheart, you're here with me." his voice was so soft, his nickname was usually used as a weapon but now tonight it was said brokenly like a prayer. But he knew nothing of her drowning.

She moved her face away, ready to ignore him completely once more, he grabbed onto her, taking a hold on her arms- looking as shocked that he had done it as she was. Slowly he eased her on to the bed till she was lying on her back, looking up at him as he probed himself on his elbow, one hand grazing her cheek.

"I'd save you if you'd let me." His words made her chest tight, made her feel. She squeezed her eyes shut.

"No one can save me." she whispered. She felt his nose on the crook of her neck and she wondered if it was painful for him, not being able to act on his instincts. Her body relaxed, the pain from having him so near and so far fading.

One of his hands had found her nape of her hair. and she heard his deep inhale of breath. the feeling of his tongue on her pulse point had her eyes shooting open, surprised at the warmth that flooding her stomach. Surprised she could still feel.

"What-"

"I'd do anything to save you, Nesta. I'd get my wings shredded a thousand time mores if it meant you'd never have to drown again." his voice was so low and shaky, his breath tickling her ear. She breathed deeply trying not to see his shredded wings. She'd once heard Mor comment that he had never damaged his wings, only minor scratches, and small tears. But twice since knowing her, twice he had to endure the damage and wonder if he'd ever fly again.

"Would you take me to the cauldron?"

He tensed above her, slowly pulled back to find her eyes. They were wide with questions, the intelligence in him, the commander in him sorting through her thoughts trying to find her meaning. And he always did find her meaning, saw her better then anyone else did. Devastation took over his face and he swallowed thickly. She knew he knew her thoughts.

"Nesta," he said it urgently. But she shut her eyes again and they burned.

"I'd like you to leave." she forced the words out, even though it wasn't exactly true. She didn't know what she'd like. Didn't know what was better, the void or the pain of being with him.

He tensed but did not move. "I can't."

Her eyes shot open. Those same words...

Hazel eyes met hers with intensity. "I can't." he repeated.

"Because the bond?" Surprise flashed through his eyes. They had never once spoken it out loud but she knew he felt it too. Knew it was there, drifting between them.

"Yes...and no." he managed and she moved to push him off, but he was much to heavy and he only moved more over her, his legs on either side of hers.

"Get off of me." she growled.

"Oh? Or you'll make me?" a grin spread on his face and she could have wept to see him joking, to see him teasing. Like she wasn't a body with death coursing through her. Like she wasn't as frigid as an ice berg and as deadly as a blade.

"Cassian-"

"So you do know my name?" he breathed, his face close to her once more.

"Get off of me." she told him evenly again, but his grin remained. "I don't want you here just because some power, fate, decided you had to be with me."

His face went serious, calm even.

"You think that?" he asked and she felt her eyes brim with tears. Damn him for pushing. Making her feel, when she was becoming so accustomed to not.

"It's true isn't it?" she swallowed thickly, her body giving up fighting him. "It's been that bond that's kept you coming back here every night. It kept your eyes on me. Kept you wanting me, even when..." ...even though I'm un-wantable.

He growled slightly and gripped her chin in his hand.

"Before I knew, before I knew I thought you were beautiful. Before I knew, I knew you were deadly. Before I knew, I was drawn to your flame." his hold relaxed slightly. "The bond makes it unbearable when you suffer. It makes it hurt to breathe. But it doesn't...couldn't force me to love you."

More tears fell and she was shaking her head. No that couldn't be true, wouldn't be true.

Cassian tried hard to keep from snarling, knowing she wouldn't understand his anger. She was human born, even if she had been made. She couldn't understand a mating bond, wouldn't understand it other then a choice being taken away from her. Her eyes weren't a void anymore, but a damn that had been cracked and tears leaked from her eyes in streams.

Turning, he sat himself back down, his back leaning against the wall and pulled her into his lap, cradling her like he had wanted to do for so long. "This bond...it's doesn't mean you have to accept it...you can reject it."

He might as well as been swallowing blades. She stilled in his arms.

"Sometimes people are all wrong for each other." he continued unsure even where he was going with this. He ran a hand through her hair.

"Is that...is that what you want?" she asked him quietly, softly. He laughed with no humor.

"I am are your mercy, Nesta." he told her truthfully. "I want you to know that my biggest concern, what keeps me up at night and waiting at your door...is to know that you're

okay. If that means...if being okay meant you did not choose me...then I am at your mercy.

"But I can't let you keep on like this thinking that some twist of fate forces me to care about you. Sometimes the bond is wrong and people are all wrong for each other, and you and I haven't even really tried so who's to say we are one way or another? But I know...I see you. I need you to know that I'd choose you despite it all."

He felt her shuddered breathing. And then suddenly she was on top of him, her legs straddling him and her face in his neck. "I know I've been horrible, I know you deserve better-"

"Hey, hey, who said anything about deserving better? You are the greatest thing that stepped into my life." he argued trying to get a look at her face but she kept it buried.

"You're lying. I am not...I'm not easy. I know I'm difficult to love." she gasped and he chuckled. That much was true. She was certainly not easy but why the hell would his mate be easy? How boring would that be?

No she was a blade of death, and twist and turns. Challenges and surprises. Beautiful and deadly. No his mate was so much more then easy, so much more then he could have hopped for.

"You're most difficult," he started moving her so she would have to look at him. " when you're trying to hid how deeply gorgeous I am." she frowned, her eyes still puffy narrowed at him.

"Your Illyrian ego is so insufferable." she growled but he only smiled at her, joy that he couldn't contain to see even a shadow of herself showing. She seemed to feel it and relaxed, her fingers coming to trace his smile in awe.

"When did you know?" he asked softly and her blue eyes met his.

"When we left for the meeting with the High Lords." Ah. He thought that was when, the intensity that they had shared. He had been so pleased that she had missed him. So pleased that she was moved at his absence. Though really his distance was because he didn't think he could face her after battle not without time to settle. It would be near impossible to not swoop her up and touch every part of her, and that was obviously something she hadn't been ready for.

"And you?"

"I had an idea...when I saw you face down those queens. You were so brave, strong. A queen in your own right. But I felt it at Hybren. I couldn't even make a single thought...but I felt you and your terror and your rage. Heard your screams and threats. And I would have done anything to get to you... I tried..."

Her hands moved to either side of cheek, watching him intensely. "You crawled to me even with your wings shredded." he nodded and she brought one hand and traced it over his wing. He gasped at the sudden touch. She paused and he laughed low again.

"Illyrian wings are very sensitive, touch is...transferable." Heat rose to her face and he was filled once more with joy at the color.

"I see." she muttered and furrowed her brow. "I never want to see them damaged again."

"Me neither." he agreed, but he could see the tiredness in her eyes. "I think you should sleep." her eyes went wide and she shook her head, fear clinging to her.

"I can never sleep...the darkness always comes calling." that void was reaching her eyes again and he took her face in his hands wishing it away.

"When the darkness calls, I'll be here." he told her firmly but she didn't look convinced.

"You don't understand. It pulls and it pulls and there is so much anger and death-"

"Nesta." she stilled. "you will get through this, and you will get through it any way that you need to. " she nodded though still did not seem convinced.

"It's better...when you're near." she muttered, though he could tell she had to swallow a bit of pride to do so.

"Then I will be here."

"You promised me..." the word promise made him still. He had promised her that he would protect and failed over and over, would she remind him now? "You promised we'd have time. That you would find me and we would have time."

Yes, he had.

"No matter how far the darkness stretches, Nesta, no matter how lost you get- I will always find you. And I will give you all the time you need, I'll wait centuries if I have to." tears brimmed her eyes once more and she leaned toward him, he was quick to accept the advance, allowing his lips to meet hers. Their first kiss had been all pain and regret, and acceptance that it'd be the last. This was soft and new, and it made everything in him hum.

She pulled away first, eyes wide and breathless. He swallowed his desire to take more, told himself to pace himself. They had time, as long as she was not a dark void there was hope. Relaxed, she placed her head on his chest. After a moment her reached for the covers, pulled them snuggly around them both. Within moments she was asleep, and once he was sure she wouldn't

wake again, he too slept.

 _OooooooooooO_

 **Just a one-shot I couldn't get out of my mind. Nessian has consumed me and I might cry if ACOFAS isn't full of these two.**


End file.
